Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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