I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
