The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
