You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize