I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
