Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
