Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
