Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
