My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
