I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
