I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize