"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
