Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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