he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
