I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
