just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
