I want to make a zoo with you.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
