Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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