Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
