I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
