Where are you?
In a non slutty way
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
