I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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