I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize