my mouth tastes like poor choices
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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