I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
