so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
