All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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