i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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