He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
it was like having sex with a tree stump
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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