While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Randomize
