btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
