Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
