Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
