Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
