oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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