my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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