im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
the condom got lost in my hair
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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