FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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