Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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