I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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