i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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