saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
