I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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