I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I think people are normalizing furries
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
