Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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