Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
