Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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