If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
