my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
