I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
