I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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