I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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