i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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