I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
