I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
