There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
